- *RoYaLtY LiFe*

Friday, May 26, 2006
5:28 PM

i've got nthing to say..
im juz nt the me anymore..
i miss the old me.. the talkative, cheerful, happy-go-lucky gal...

tt was supposed to be me.. the right me...
before all these happened...

i hate your appearance in my life...
if u didnt appear, everything was perfect...

i rather i was alone all these 2 years rather than suffer now...
this lesson is too much for me to handle...

u didnt even realise you were in the wrong..
im waiting to see your downfall..
tts the onli way i will feel satisfied..

cos its so unfair, juz so unfair...
y my life turns out to be like this,
and you can be out there enjoying!!!

i hate the world for being so unfair!
when will your retribution comes???
i will be waiting for tt day..

if nt for ur mum, how i wish u were juz off dead...
yes, maybe im too extreme or cruel..
but tts cos im juz too hurt..

it left a mark on my heart, mind and memory...
time may heal but it can NEVER erase all those...

i can never forget how u lied to me...
a person known for 2 years juz turn out to become a pack of lies!

u enjoyed your life on the expense of the pain on me..

i cant even have a good nite sleep each day...
im even afraid of sleeping now..
cos dreams juz come in...
dreams i dun even wan...

y are u bugging me even in my dreams...

siping asked me to take it slowly...
one day by one day...
one day i will get over this..
but the hurt is already inflicted..

now i dun even noe to trust who..
cos i can always never detect lies....

now, i dun even noe telling ur mum was a right choice..
but she did have the rights to noe...

i heard her crying over the phone...
i was heartbroken...
i hurt her...
but siping said its ur actions tt hurt her..
if u nv done all those, this wouldnt even have happened...

she was juz like a mum to me...
i dun wan to see her like tt too
she blames herself...
no, it totally have nthing to do with her...
its all ur fault..

u caused the pain in both of us..
u lied to me,
her,
ur mum,
ur sis..

who noes who else u lied to...
isnt lying a terrible process...
then y do you still have to do this to everyone...

when will ur fake mask fall off???
i thought i knew you enough for 2 yrs...
but now i noe i never did...
maybe even ur family never did..
and perhaps no one did..

cos you were pretending all these while...
u cheated everyone...

happy u got a nice life now??
let me tell you,
it wont last...
retribution returns...
u will get something bad to return those for wat you did...

karma...
i believed...
im cursing you even till today...
you will never be happy...
all the people around you will juz leave you one by one..
leaving you alone..
with no one to turn to...

one day i hope i will see you being ruined in the streets..
i will never pity you...
cos up till now, you dun even realise your mistakes..
you dun even think you hurt me...

and instead you turned everything back to me..
yes.. go tell lies and stories to people again...

i wont be bothered...
for i hope those who knows me really knows me...
im nt tt kind of person..

ppl may think im saying all these is cos i cant accept the fact..
no! its definitely nt tt way...
is cos you hurt me...
more than enough!

each and every single day now,
i tell myself you can never hurt me anymore..
i muz protect myself...
dun ever let you hurt me again...

but whenever im alone,
those thoughts juz overwhelm me...
leaving me heartpain...

this pain will never fade...
this lesson is too expensive...
too painful...

i was juz too foolish in the past..
i brought all this upon myself...

god, i beg you...
juz let me forget...
take those memories away..
im willing to give up anything juz to take those memories away...

at least i will be happy again...
all i ask for is so simple..
y cant you juz give it to me??
i juz wan happiness and peace...

i dun wan to remain like this...
i hate myself for this...

i've seen through a person true colours..
wat more do you wan from me???

let me go... or take me away...

..250 thousand years of waiting..

Thursday, May 25, 2006
12:20 AM

i dunno wat to say or do now...
dunno to hate u or wat...

hatred is the last thing i wanna do...
im too tired to do tt..

i dun wan to stay on anymore..
im dragging my feet to get out of ur life...

no longer believe in ur words...

i dunno izzit juz me being too tired now,
or juz tt u hurt me too much till i cant feel anything....
i wan to cry but nthing rolled down...

u said we need a breathe..
breathe for wat when everything turns out to be like this...

those words u said already is enough for me to deal with..

i juz wan myself out of ur life..
and tts wat u wan anyway...

but im cursing u with all those hurt u inflicted on me:
u will never get true love..
all the gals around you will juz leave u one by one..
betraying you and leaving u hurt..

tts all i can say... i will lead my own life...

..250 thousand years of waiting..

Wednesday, May 24, 2006
12:09 AM

i think i made a mistake...
im sick of this...
get me out..

..250 thousand years of waiting..

Tuesday, May 23, 2006
7:24 PM

i think i've seen things thru...
and i feel more relaxed now...
cos i saw a peom..

juz let things take its nature path..
i dunno wat will happen..
so wat if we are really together?
there is still a possibilty of falling for other ppl..
tts y relationships failed in this world..

so y nt juz let it be the way it is now..
at least i still can look out for my true one...
take it as a period for us to think things through and be mature too...
if we are really meant to be, no matter wat it is, fate will bring us together again..
if nt, forced is no happiness...

at least im content to be in this situation now..
i dun wan to get greedy...
juz let things develop on its own...

im still dreaming abt my true one...
maybe 20 yrs down the road, i will look back and laugh at these memories...
its juz part and parcel of growing up..

if taking everything too seriously is becoming too heavy for me,
i rather let somethings go and make my load lighter...

i may no longer believe in everlasting love..
but i noe i will still get a person who will treasure and love me..
no matter how long it will be...

and the person is definitely not him... =)

..250 thousand years of waiting..

Monday, May 22, 2006
4:18 PM

thought i would have a good nite sleep yesterday after so long...
but i didnt..
i rather i have a no-dream sleep..
at least i wont feel so terrible.

i feel so insecure..
maybe i should nt expect too much,
in tt way, maybe i will feel much better...

but it's hard...
maybe im juz too used to it..
i have to gradually let go..
once i dun care so much,
worries and troubles will go...

and ya, dun ask me wat are we now...
i dunno and dun even wan to think...
take it as we are a pair of dating frends..
with no questions to each other love life..
or rather say, i cant ask..

watever it is,
i juz dun wan to get bothered with those stuffs now..

one yr down the road,
there will onli be 3 possibilities,
a happy single me, a gal with a new guy or get back with him..
i hope no matter wat outcome,
i will be happy...

i juz hate this kinda of passing phase where my life juz totally sucks..

..250 thousand years of waiting..

i dunno wat im doing is right/wrong...
i dun even noe wat im doing..
but i guess my mum think its wrong...

it seems like i dun even noe myself anymore...
i dunno wat i wan...

im too tired to hate anyone..
too timid to love anyone anymore...

im scared i made the wrong decision,
tt will make me regret in the future..
maybe i will even kill myself for it...

maybe all i can do is juz be the way it is now..
time will show...
whether my decision is right/wrong..
i give myself one year..
till the time i graduate...

i really wonder by then, wat will life be for me?
i hope it will be a perfectly great life for me..

and ya, if possible, i would like to undergo a memory-take-away operation...
take away those unwanted memories..
if laboratories are looking for volunteers,
can i be the first to do it....

till then, i dun wanna give a damn abt all those irritating thoughts and issues again...

*god, i already suffered so much...
so please give me a better future..
i will appreciate that*

..250 thousand years of waiting..

Sunday, May 21, 2006
12:18 AM

i thought i will be fine..
but juz a nv reply from you actually makes me feel pain...

i think i will cry myself to bed to sleep for the first few nites after tml...
and soon, i hope i will be alright..

time will fade feelings..
hope by then my smile to u will juz be like a smile to a long-lost friend...

..250 thousand years of waiting..

Saturday, May 20, 2006
7:53 PM

i've packed up all those stuffs..
it made a big bag..
juz like i have a big bag of memories of us too...

cried all i can...
had the last nap with those stuffs around...

i can never get well
till i let myself go...

how nice would it be if everything can juz be as good as before...
but i noe it wont be...
cos i see reality...

*let myself go*

..250 thousand years of waiting..

finally, i cried out alone in my room.. like nobody business...
yes, i did feel better after tt...
but one bad thing i discovered, i think im still clinging on to it..
oh god, wat to do?

wat a fucked up life...
cant it juz be normal! im getting tired and sick of this...
y are u so unfair to me?
ppl lifes are perfectly alrite..
unlike mine...

my request is very simple..
juz give me a simple life with everything back to normal...
juz like wat it was supposed to be this two years...
take it as a beg from me..

..250 thousand years of waiting..

Friday, May 19, 2006
11:52 PM

having such a shitty feeling now..
its like y things can juz keep happening one after another??
izzit juz a coincidence or god is putting me thru a trial juz to test how strong i can be?
first breakup thingy, nxt friendship thingy, and now my foolish bro!!!

i mean y a 14 yr old guy cant juz think of outcomes before doing things?
today was the first time he let me experienced the fear of being alone...
i was alone, frantically searching while crying..
out alone..
no one was there to help me.. not even him...

from tt moment, i realised i can depend on noone, except myself...

y ppl changes? cant things juz be the same?
argh, forget it.. i can nv understand...

i cant even care for myself now, wat for think abt others?
maybe manda's right, i muz stop linking everything to him??
haha.. but hey! im jocelyn! i will be fine...
dun need to worry i cant forget him or watsoever...

anyway, im looking forward to sunday zoo trip.. hope everything will be fun though i need to leave early... woohoo!!! quoted from FM and CP..

and ya.. im fucking tired.. but cant get to slp..

*god, cant u juz give me a better and simple life??
another blow, and tts it... im gone...*

..250 thousand years of waiting..

Thursday, May 18, 2006
10:32 PM

i juz need some encouragement from frends...
my life is juz driving me nuts..
i hope i can get some understanding..

today was the first time i cried infront of my frend over this issue..
Siping wanted to buy me this doll to cheer me up..
I was touched.. cos she was the onli one who did tt...
but well, i stopped her...
however, having the thought was good enough... i really appreciate for tt anyway..

now trying to solve some unhappiness...
and glad its settled..

i think its really time for me to get everything in my life back settled and done with...
i almost lose them...
luckily we opened up now...

*i feel better now.. at least i dun feel tt alone anymore..
and gals, im sry for the past and recent..
glad for the forgiveness...
god, thank you for blessing me with them..
and may i be fine soon with them around me*

..250 thousand years of waiting..

had a msn chat with wenna...
im glad i did tt anyway...
it was relaxing talking to her..

she make me understand things slowly..
at least im nt so clueless on my nxt steps..

well, i should take things slowly..
juz dun contact him till he does..
for the moment..

yes, there may be temptations..
but i muz learn to resist..

i muz be strong for everyone and my own sake..
at least maintain my health status..

the most important thing for me to do now is to: get quality sleep

think my stomach's growling after all this crying... and i didnt finish my plain bowl of rice juz now either..

god, this is affecting me adversely and i should not let it continue anymore..
i shall get myself a cup of milk before i sleep.. and calm me down..
no more traumatising..

shall find a day to date both wenna & theresa out..

*anyway, lots of thanks to wenna..
though we may not be close, but u were there when i needed someone...
u make a great frend,
and i love you so*

..250 thousand years of waiting..

Wednesday, May 17, 2006
5:25 PM

chatted with victor on phone till 5am this morning..
he didnt get a wink of slp and had to leave for sch..
was pretty sorry abt tt..

ya, we talked abt those past moments...
lots of things..
ppl may think im badmouthing abt "him"
but to me, im juz shocked by how human can change..

this issue has been bothering me this two nites ever since tt conversation..
those words totally slap me awake...
its saddening, its frightening...
but i cant deny, its juz a fact tt those words came out..

yes, i told vic how i regret i made a rush decision in tt relationship tt soon at tt time..
but juz like wat syah asked me, if there was a chance for me to change back anything, wat would it be?
wat first came to my thought was tt, should i change back time tt this breakup didnt happen and everything was fine?
if it was before the conversation, tt would be my ans..
but now.. no, i would not change anything.. juz take it as a lesson learnt.. cos reality pushed me back.. if he really wan to change, no matter how time turns back, it juz will happen..
at least it happens now..

yes, im nt yet over.. it takes time.. but at least i wont dare have the hope anymore..
i may be timid.. but i dare not take up this relationship again..

sometimes i really hate him for tt change... tt thought... cos it juz revealed a mistake i made.. a selfish guy i was all along for this 2 yrs...

this is bothering me: izzit i dun understand him all this 2 yrs? or juz tt his thinking changed?
either one's ans is juz as frightening...

he said i wan to hear the truth but cant accept it...
but those words is not any person would accept it..

i really wonder the past him was juz a fake one or?

his words already is no longer trustable to me..
this two nite i have been having nightmares...
i keep imagining this scenario where i see him getting touchy and flirting with other gals..
it makes me feel digusted...

now how i wish those feelings i still had for him can juz fly away like a gush of wind...
y am i still liking this kind of guy?

*god, juz let me go..
i really feel suffocated under this..
i really dunno wat to do*

..250 thousand years of waiting..

Tuesday, May 16, 2006
1:05 AM

oh gosh! y had i fallen with such a guy in the first place!!! izzit surroundings change thinkings or its juz tt the thinking was there all along???!!!

those words and sentences are like juz repeating in my mind... i pray no victim would fall under this if tt happens...

he made me sad, he wanna make another one as well??
tts totally unbelievable...
no matter wat, having the thought was already WRONG in the beginning...

oh my, i still cant accept the fact tt those words juz came out from the mouth... am i hearing things??

ok.. at least now i feel much better... after knowing tts how he thinks...

honestly, i did feel a bit turned off and disgusted by tt sentences of words... thought when you reach 20, thinking should be more mature?

gosh, im really fainting.... ARGH... yyyyyyy???? i fallen for the wrong guy or wat? damn freaked out.. and i guess i totally expressed it out..

really unbelievable.. first time i had this thought in this period.. phew.. glad we ended early?

think the sis oso wont believe it ba.. faint faint faint...

nevertheless, i think this sun im still meeting him up to give him back those things? and ya.. if possible, get rid of tt thought from him.. its hurting ppl.. im saving lives..

after this conversation, those hopes totally flew away.. gone like wind man... nono, im nt looking forward to a getback anymore.. but i still need time to adjust myself and life ba..

think gonna tell my bro abt this tml.. freak him out tml.. haha... LOL

oh my, yucks!

*god, u cheated me... thought i fell for somebody worthy.. who noes the words come out like dashed my dreams completely.. and YES, I WANNA GET OVER THIS ASAP*

its simply frightening...

..250 thousand years of waiting..

Monday, May 15, 2006
12:24 AM

i gave her a name: Crystal

sounds so classy... and she's damn lazy...
changed a new house for her...it costs 18 bucks..
mum bought it..
tts her money anyway.. LOL

tml going to manda house for projects and tutorials..
ya..so much to do juz after 2 wks sch restart..

keep myself busy..
but im lazy..
juz like my Crystal.. =X

..250 thousand years of waiting..

Monday, May 08, 2006
11:46 PM

this is my new family member.. nt yet give a name for it..
but i love it..
bro says it takes after me..
cos both like to sleep alot...

hmm, maybe i can consider sleeping with it nxt time.. LOL

got this big red patch on my neck since i woke up this morning
think it's rashes...
if it doesnt get better tml, guess im gonna see the doc

*y not-so-good stuffs often happen on me?*

..250 thousand years of waiting..

going to bed now...
been attracted to this song "Waiting for you" by Hu Yan Bing...
the mv was nt bad too...

had been going out this few days..
juz keep myself within my house area tml then..
maybe do a few tutorials here and there...
IF im nt lazy
=X

*I've been yearning for a guy whom I love and he loves me, to tap me to sleep every night*

..250 thousand years of waiting..

Saturday, May 06, 2006
11:50 PM

IT'S DAD BIRTHDAY!!!!
juz celebrated it with a cake..
but guess they are more interested in the voting show now...

and i went to get my hair today...
the outcome was quite good!
today's a great day... =)

guess the age... happy birthday, dad!

make a wish not a fish.... =X

and now its time for a share of the cake!!! =D

my new curls... hope it will maintain...

my twin???

close up!!!! hope it wont scare ppl off.. =X

..250 thousand years of waiting..

had sakae dinner with karen, ee wei, rong yi and my lover Lay Leng...
everything was so nice... and ya the dinner costs $124.03 after deduction... and karen pay it all..
=)

too bad karen had to leave early.. go home accompany her son, Max..
and the 4 of us went to take neoprints!!!
it's sooooooo nice and fun!

cute babes!

do-re-mi-fa.. where's the "so"??

we are the spotlights... =P

LOL! look at our " da tou" Rong Yi... she hate this pic alot..

a lovey-dovey couple... and 2 big light bulb!! =X

roses... and rong yi look seductive here... =P

smilesss!! two climbing monkeys behind..

purplessss...

all the crowns on the QUEENS!!!

we are young & youthful!! so sunshine feeling...

do you have "beachy" feeling???

and the below is taken from our gathering at "bedok 85 market"...

our leftovers..

evidence of SOME food we ate..

i miss it....

doesnt it look juz so tempting???

before make-up...

after make-up: so pretty (the "blusher" nice ba??) =P

curly hair on top and a sad face.. =(

give it a piper and it look diff!!! guess it like to smoke??

..250 thousand years of waiting..

Thursday, May 04, 2006
10:44 PM

had sushi buffet yesterday...
eat till i burst..
it lasted me till this morning..

ya, i finally got the pics from Ee Wei..
i proudly present those pics...

this is where i always get my water from everyday...

the tek tarik and milo is nice...

our "souveneirs" for our "descendants"

see those files at the right and left?? tts my hard work!! and yes, it is my workdesk... (if u see carefully, there's a msn windows there)

let me present to u:- our pretty receptionist, Annie (well, her job is real tough)

this 3 alphabets make me travel 1 hr every morning and evening for the past 2.5 mths =X

my "young" supervisor... she definitely dun look like her actual age

guess how much izzit? Ans: 5 figure sum... buy me with tt money would be more worth it? at least i talk.. =)

we are smiling so happily, yet rongyi and lay leng have a forced smile.. cos they still gonna suffer there!!! LOL

wat happen? all look so chao ta... esp annie..

the culprit who always dismantle computers... our IT guy and ya, he was wearing this couple polo tee with rongyi on tt day! hope the gf wont slap rongyi... =P

See! Im working diligently!!!

can we be considered as babes of the HR & FIN dept??? too bad annie's nt ard... anyway, it was voted the Best Picture of the Day! congrats!!!

i think this is the best grp pic... FIN & HR dept!!! hooray...

everyone has black eyerings! and ya, spotted one more person in here?? tts rachel! (i hope she gives my pay in time this mth...)

i think i smiled till my face cramped..

the cheeky side of us.. =)

izzit very tired to take photo with me??? :O

a formal one first...

a mischevious one! *giggles* i look slim here.. =D and let me intro my les partner-Lay Leng..
she's the second who holds my waist??? she muz feel honoured... LOL

we should sing the hokkien song "one small umbrella" =P

our "pole-dancer"... in the lift *faint*

..250 thousand years of waiting..

Wednesday, May 03, 2006
1:54 AM

yes, first day of sch today...
and tml no sch again.. =)

going for sushi buffet tml!!!
and again on fri..
oh my, i gonna gain fat..

juz rush finish my report and im eating now...
too hungry from all the work.. wat to do...

it's a load off my mind
finally...

ya, and now i need to clear the other matters before I really settle down for studies...

shi ying definition of late: 10pm onwards
my definition of late: 3am onwards

wats wrong with my perception?? shi ying scold me siao for tt....
wat a frend... haha... =X

..250 thousand years of waiting..