- *RoYaLtY LiFe*

Wednesday, May 17, 2006
5:25 PM

chatted with victor on phone till 5am this morning..
he didnt get a wink of slp and had to leave for sch..
was pretty sorry abt tt..

ya, we talked abt those past moments...
lots of things..
ppl may think im badmouthing abt "him"
but to me, im juz shocked by how human can change..

this issue has been bothering me this two nites ever since tt conversation..
those words totally slap me awake...
its saddening, its frightening...
but i cant deny, its juz a fact tt those words came out..

yes, i told vic how i regret i made a rush decision in tt relationship tt soon at tt time..
but juz like wat syah asked me, if there was a chance for me to change back anything, wat would it be?
wat first came to my thought was tt, should i change back time tt this breakup didnt happen and everything was fine?
if it was before the conversation, tt would be my ans..
but now.. no, i would not change anything.. juz take it as a lesson learnt.. cos reality pushed me back.. if he really wan to change, no matter how time turns back, it juz will happen..
at least it happens now..

yes, im nt yet over.. it takes time.. but at least i wont dare have the hope anymore..
i may be timid.. but i dare not take up this relationship again..

sometimes i really hate him for tt change... tt thought... cos it juz revealed a mistake i made.. a selfish guy i was all along for this 2 yrs...

this is bothering me: izzit i dun understand him all this 2 yrs? or juz tt his thinking changed?
either one's ans is juz as frightening...

he said i wan to hear the truth but cant accept it...
but those words is not any person would accept it..

i really wonder the past him was juz a fake one or?

his words already is no longer trustable to me..
this two nite i have been having nightmares...
i keep imagining this scenario where i see him getting touchy and flirting with other gals..
it makes me feel digusted...

now how i wish those feelings i still had for him can juz fly away like a gush of wind...
y am i still liking this kind of guy?

*god, juz let me go..
i really feel suffocated under this..
i really dunno wat to do*

..250 thousand years of waiting..